


what's best for you

by ifyouwannafindmegivemeashoutout



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: +other POV, Angst, Depressed Seo Changbin, Fluff, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, Lowercase, M/M, Minor woochan, Nightmares, Seo Changbin-centric, ambiguous hyunmin, changbin is a mess and kind of an ass, changlix, changlix is the main ship, cheating kind of, domestic woochan, everyone needs advice, woojin and chan are great parents basically
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2019-10-12 07:52:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17463539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifyouwannafindmegivemeashoutout/pseuds/ifyouwannafindmegivemeashoutout
Summary: hwang hyunjin might look scary on stage, but in reality he threw the sweetest smiles and would never hurt a fly. the young boy also carried a secret which he'd kept to himself for as long as he could remember. he'd never understood the feeling of being in love.two people who knew exactly what love was were felix and changbin, though.the two had always seemed perfect to hyunjin, but he soon figures out that there's another, very unexpected side to the story and that he plays one of the main roles.





	1. homesick

**Author's Note:**

> hi, i just want to say beforehand that the first chapter doesn't really get into the main plot. it's not that i'm planning on making this really long, i was just tired and ended up writing some hyunmin fluff haha. let me know if you want to see them more together or if you want interactions with other members!! i'll be posting two chapters straight away so give the next a try too while you're at it ^^

a loud groan bounced against the walls of the dance studio and a thud could be heard as a boy threw himself to the floor, chest heaving as he dried some sweat from his forehead on his dark gray shirt. the clock was nearing 3am but since it was a weekend and he didn’t have school the next day, that didn’t matter. laying down, listening to the same song that he’d just been dancing to playing on repeat Hyunjin let his body catch up a bit and cleared his head for a minute. he really hadn’t planned on staying this long, but considering he’d made a lot of progress it had been worth it.

truth is, hyunjin had quite a lot on his mind recently and he knew he could relieve the stress by dancing. turning on the music and letting his body move however he wanted it to made him feel as if he was at the center of the universe and the stars spun around only him.

stray kids had a busy schedule as always and adding to that stress Hyunjin was very unsure about how the situation between some of his members were looking recently and of course he hated that it wasn’t always perfect.

reluctantly getting up on his feet again, before he accidentally fell asleep on the hard floor hyunjin went to go fetch his phone. on the lock screen he could see two messages from woojin, one wondering if he’d be home soon and the other about how he’d missed out on their late night snacks. hyunjin couldn’t help but smile a bit at that. the eight boys that he’d had the luck of meeting was really his family and woojin might as well be one of those dads who looked though but were really just softies. the older was always out looking for cuddles after all (something hyunjin didn’t mind at all since he did in fact love cuddles too). the young boy swore he’d sacrifice anything if it meant they could all stay together and share their happiness. 

shivering as he felt the sweat run down his back, the dancer put his phone back in his pocket and figured he’d call it a day (or night). he found the light switch and made his way out the newly renovated building. although it was quite dark in parts of the corridors he could still make out the plants decorating entire walls of jyp’s company building. the first time the young boy had seen park jinyoung- the ceo- he’d never imagined that this was what he’d envisioned for so long.

a walk in the dark later and hyunjin found himself in stray kids’ shared dorm and hoped nobody woke up as he slammed the door shut a bit louder than intended. not that the guys were prone to wake up at all due to working themselves more than tired and chan was probably still awake anyway. pondering for a minute if he should go check on the older or not, hyunjin took off his shoes and dropped his bag on the floor, surprised to hear footsteps nearing him. they were light and so if he’d still been wearing his headphones he would have been very surprised to see seungmin in front of him. the boy’s hair was ruffled and it was obvious he hadn’t been awake long from the way he was squinting.

“hey.” he said and rubbed at his eyes.

“hi, i didn’t wake you up did i?”

seungmin shook his head gently and scratched his ear, unknowingly looking exactly like a puppy.

“i just woke up and couldn’t seem to fall back asleep so i went to get a glass of water.”

“oh, i see.” hyunjin struggled to get his sneakers off and almost tripped, reaching to lean on the wall.

“any reason in particular to why you couldn’t fall asleep?”

both boys made their way out of the hall and seungmin shrugged before he let our a small grunt. instead of answering he changed the topic.

“aren’t you tired, hyunjin? you should go and wash up.”

his 00-line friend was definitely right, hyunjin’s clothes were clinging heavily to his body and he’d been looking forward to a refreshing shower before reuniting with his bed. seungmin was too obvious about having something on his mind though so before making his way to the restroom he made a small promise. hyunjin also made a quick wish that someone (that was not felix or changbin) would notice it when he was screaming for help on the inside too.

“go back to bed seungminnie, if you still can’t sleep we’ll talk for a bit when i get back?” the sentence wasn’t really a question but the way hyunjin worded it made it feel like one.

seungmin opened his eyes a bit wider, realizing the other boy hadn’t let it go unnoticed that there really was something more troubling him. a small smile found itself to the younger’s lips when he once again was reminded of how caring the other really was.

as seungmin nodded, hyunjin smiled as well and they went their separate ways- one to their bed and the other to the shower. 

roughly 20 minutes later hyunjin also made his way to the bedroom that he, seungmin and jisung shared. his daily skin routine and shower had admittedly taken a bit longer than usual due to how his body already ached and how he’d almost dozed off standing up in the shower. remembering his member who might still be waiting he rolled his eyes to fight the temptation of closing them and falling asleep on the floor.

opening the door carefully, hyunjin made out one shape in both seungmin’s and jisung’s bed. he was glad to know that jisung hadn’t fallen asleep on the beanbag in chan’s and changbin’s room again.

with light steps the boy ventured into the room and using the light of his phone screen he took a few steps until he stood in front of seungmin’s bed. the younger squinted and scrunched his nose when the blue light fell on him and hyunjin let out a small chuckle.

“sorry.”

hyunjin contemplated getting in bed with seungmin, but knowing how the younger sometimes tossed and turned he could end up on being kicked to the floor by the morning. Furthermore, he knew that seungmin wouldn’t exactly be overjoyed if he started sleep talking or screaming in his sleep without warning as hyunjn had been told he did this sometimes so he settled on sitting on the floor, resting his back against the other boy’s bed.

“you sure you really wanna sit there in case you end up falling asleep?”

“you’re not saying that when you spill the beans- which you will- it’ll be so boring i fall asleep, are you?”

hyunjin let out a surprised gasp as seungmin hit him across the back of his head. the younger fell silent for a moment and surprisingly the hit wasn’t followed by a quick-witted comment.

“it might really end up being boring, though..”

hyunjin didn’t know if the other could see him in the dark, but he turned around and reached for any part of the other boy to playfully hit him.

“okay, okay, i get it.”

“that’s what i thought.”

resting his head on the side of the mattress, hyunjin closed his eyes and waited for seungmin to continue to fill the silence with his small voice.

“it’s just.. i’ve been having nightmares recently. a lot of them.”

“really?” hyunjin spoke softly to let the other know that he really was listening and caring for what he was saying. seungmin hummed in response.

“what are they about?”

with a sigh, seungmin shared his troubles.

“you know, it’s funny because i actually don’t dream a lot. whenever i do it’s nightmares. they’re usually about my family or about how any of us end up getting hurt, or you know..” he trailed off.

finding seungmin’s hand hyunjin continued to listen.

“though it might sound bad, it doesn’t really affect me because as soon as i wake up i know it’s a dream.. tonight was different, though. i had one where my dad died and i woke up crying. that’s never happened before and now i’m just.. i really miss them, hyunjin. we really don’t appreciate the time we have together as much as we should.”

“that’s true.”

hyunjin missed his family too. it wasn’t like they never met but with their intense daily life sometimes you just really wanted a taste of your mother’s home-cooked meals or a too hard clap on the shoulder from your dad. it was really the small things that meant the most.

the two boys rambled on and the minutes passed as jisung’s steady breathing slowly became the loudest sound in the room. hyunjin really felt more at ease knowing everyone was struggling with their own things. recently he’d been so stuck thinking about himself and the secret he hadn’t told anyone about. maybe sharing it with someone like seungmin had done with him could help. as morning neared the two friends finally fell asleep and not too unexpectedly, hyunjin did so on the floor like seungmin had predicted. he woke up with a sore body an hour later before finding his own bed and falling asleep again, soundly this time.


	2. those who know love

hwang hyunjin might look scary on stage but in reality he threw the sweetest smiles and would never hurt a fly. many people admired him for his looks and though the boy had no problem with that, it could make him feel unsure about his own efforts sometimes. when hyunjin first came to jyp he had lacked a lot and didn’t use his time wisely. after being told off a couple times he’d finally built up enough frustration and turned it into determination to work his hardest and became a better dancer. even though he’d never loved dance the way felix or minho had it was a challenge he faced head on and eventually he developed a special feeling once he moved to the music. nobody could take away this feeling from him, but when people’s only reason for believing he could become an idol was his visuals it did hit a nerve, since he’d put so much work and effort into dance.

hyunjin had talked about this many times with changbin, who always said the right things and made him want to work even harder. the younger boy didn’t think that a lot of people noticed or got the chance to see that soft and compassionate side of the rapper who he appreciated so much. someone who did though- was felix.

when the australian had first joined the company changbin had spoken in his broken english but still managed to sound cocky enough that felix thought he was being serious and somehow saw the older’s try as “cool”. 

recently a weight had been on hyunjin’s feelings as he looked at the two other boys, though. a secret hyunjin had never told anyone was that he’d never understood the feeling of being in love with someone. before he’d sometimes wondered if there even was such a thing as true love or love at first sight, now two boys in particular had convinced him there was.

felix was head over heals for changbin, anyone who knew their names also seemed to know this, maybe because the younger out of the two was way too obvious. most people thought that this big crush all began the time felix received a kiss on the cheek from the rapper during their survival show but hyunjin knew he’d seen sparks fly earlier. even as trainees the australian’s eyes seemed to sparkle as he looked at changbin. part of it might just have been admiration but although hyunjin himself couldn’t quite understand it- he knew there was more to it than that.

things had really looked good between the two as the survival show came to an end, it was finally confirmed that everyone would debut together and it would be an understatement to say everyone had been relieved. they were all overjoyed that their family wouldn’t have to split apart. things really couldn’t have been better then, but soon they all became busy preparing for their long awaited debut. by that point it had also become quite obvious to the whole of stray kids that felix and changbin weren’t just lovey-dovey without reason but that there was actually something between them. this garnered a lot of teasing from their fellow members but also sparked a bit of worry in the older ones. first off- they hadn’t even debuted yet and if someone found out their careers could be completely busted in the worst case scenario. it had been a hot topic for a while between woojin and chan, they discussed many times if they should step in and do something.

somewhere along the line minho had told hyunjin that chan had indeed talked with changbin and judging by how the skinship was toned down, it had to do with him and felix. hyunjin wasn’t sure if the fact that minho went around eavesdropping and spreading the words of his hyung was good or not but after thinking a bit he came to the conclusion that they’d probably all end up knowing somehow anyway.

perhaps he was wrong about that though.

of course they were all really busy, but hyunjin noticed changbin tried to avoid having felix clinging to him 24/7. it was obvious that felix just brushed it off as well, but when things escalated he still didn’t seem to get the clue. hyunjin felt really bad that the two couldn’t just stay the way they were without risking someone else finding out and taking the matter into their own hands.

as the year changed to 2018, felix was still very vocal about his feelings. it was not like they could tell him to stop though, they all wanted him to be able to speak honestly after all. sometimes changbin would look a bit uncomfortable or even sad, knowing that if the younger continued speaking of them that would mean that he had to stay quiet. people might begin to speculate if both of them spoke so fondly of each other all the time.

several months passed and the members became more used to joking about the two again, especially woojin and minho, because that was their way of showing support in their own way. though they were still busy, hyunjin thought everything was alright again and so he was back to wondering if there was something wrong with him for not knowing the feeling of love. maybe it was silly, but he wanted to know what it was that made felix’s smile speak a thousand words.

what he didn’t know though, was that things had actually taken an unexpected turn. what he thought was changbin finally opening up again was actually something else.

 

honestly speaking, changbin felt like shit sometimes. the stress of the survival show was beyond what his trainee days had ever showed him. that might be weird considering the difference in length between the two. maybe that contributed to it, though. going through the joy of knowing you’ll finally debut, only to know you might lose friends along the way and whipping up performances in ridiculous time all in such a short time span was a roller-coaster to say the least. he didn’t know how their leader dealt with everything with so little sleep and endless assignments.

then the first elimination came and the rapper felt completely emptied. knowing that he wouldn’t be able to stand on the same stage as minho was unthinkable. it was a joke, but not a funny one. in a way they’d all already failed, because they only ever wanted to debut as 9. despite feeling so empty he was also angry. chanbin kept it inside, knowing it would only make things worse but back in his bed he’d murmur bad words into his pillow and even cry from frustration. they all had to continue without their main dancer and pretend like it never happened in front of the cameras. 

felix’s elimination was something else completely.

if changbin was empty last time, this time he felt like he was ripped apart- it physically hurt. as jinyoung declared that the boy wouldn’t be able to continue and left the room they all tried to hold back the tears. they couldn’t believe that they let this happen again and as changbin crouched down against the wall he really thought they might not be able to do it. that _he_ might not be able to do it. because felix wouldn’t be with him. altough he had never set a name to his feelings for the other boy he knew this was what it felt like when people said they lost their other half. when felix finally turned to him and nestled in his arms the crying got infinitely louder and it was as if a hole had opened in changbin’s chest.

“i’m sorry” was the only thing he could choke out.

when felix asked what for he couldn’t even open his mouth, there were just too many answers.

for not being able to debut together. for not valuing our time enough. for avoiding you. for not telling you straight and for not loving you enough.

it was really tragic. they’d been together all this time and yet it all felt completely wasted. if this was how the world would treat him, changbin might as well give up already.

but he knew he couldn’t. he was weak but wouldn’t let it show because that’s what cowards do. if changbin gave up now it’d be a stab to the back of the other members. he’d been faking it with felix as to not get noticed for a while now so why not just continue acting?

that’s what he thought, but the rapper couldn’t even try to pretend losing felix wasn’t the biggest blow yet, the other members already knew that about him.

one night hyunjin had comforted the older like changbin had done for him and eventually the rapper fell asleep in his lap. it hurt seeing his hyung like this, murmuring nonsense in his sleep and looking incredibly small and innocent. that became quite a big contrast to his awake state. without felix, changbin often became more irritable though he didn’t notice that himself. he also slept less, evident by the bags under his eyes that gradually turned darker.

when jyp came for a visit, with felix and minho following his steps changbin felt his heart skip a beat. they’d been told a bit earlier that this would be happening and of course they’d met once or twice on their way through the building. but seeing the two boys in front of him, knowing they still had a chance to debut together made a smile too big to fit his “i love dark” image cover his face. he felt like laughing for hours upon hours, that’s how relieved he was. they still had a chance to be 9.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for giving this fic a try, i've had the idea in my notes for a while and finally decided it was worth a shot to actually write it out!! i wrote 2 and a half chapters in the span of two days and i really don't write that often otherwise, so please understand if updates are slow,,  
> let me know if you like the story so far and since i only have a vague idea of where this is going it's okay to request??  
> let's just see where it goes i guess!!  
> thank you so much for reading and see you soon ^^


	3. i'm not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw for non-consensual kiss, nothing graphic

it wasn’t before the end of 2018 that hyunjin’s whole world turned upside down. he’d never seen it coming before people started pointing it out and even after they did he still couldn’t believe it- not until changbin told him straight to his face. 

 

as the year went along the older rapper’s facade and dark image was quickly forgotten as he showed the world his cuter side. it seemed that changbin slowly but surely changed from being embarrassed to enjoying the attention his over-dramatic actions earned. though changbin had always been a funny guy, this was something completely new and on a whole other level to the other boys.

hyunjin also had to get used to the cuddles from the older which became much more frequent. he couldn’t help but wonder why changbin didn’t direct more of this attention to felix though, because judging by his never ending declarations of love and appreciation for changbin, the australian was still very much in love. hyunjin just figured this was what people called playing hard to get or something along those lines. changbin really was silly for his age.

stray kids were practicing diligently hours upon hours, day after day. they went on variety shows and different stages to show the world their music. it was really surreal how many fans they had gained over such a short time span and hyunjin, just like everyone else was endlessly grateful. it was one of these busy days that hyunjin, changbin, seungmin and jeongin returned to the dorm. the remaining members had stayed behind a bit longer to practice more. hyunjin had practically been dragged back to the dorm because if he had decided for himself he would have stayed longer. woojin managed to convince him he’d practiced enough already the past week and so he now found himself on his bed, pondering over the option of playing a game for a bit or taking a nap straight away. he’d just washed up and dried off his hair with the towel around his neck when he heard a knock on the door.

the boy couldn’t even open his mouth to invite the person inside before the door opened and changbin made his way in, closed it behind him. curious, hyunjin greeted him.

“mind if i sit down for a bit?”

hyunjin shook his head as he scooted to the side and let the older take a spot beside him on the bed.

“what’s up, hyung?”

changbin was unnaturally quiet and kept his poker face for a while before clearing his throat.

“you think we can talk? or like.. can i?”

unsure of the situation, but more than willing to listen hyunjin moved further back on the bed and changed position so he sat cross legged, making the bed creak a few times until he was comfortable again.

“um..” the older leaned back, resting his weight on his arms but keeping his head low, making dark hair fall over his face.

“i’ve just been a bit troubled recently.. i considered just keeping it in and forgetting about it- no, actually- i was set on doing that until chan told me to grow some balls and just get it out. not that he would certainly say the same thing if he knew what this was all about.”

hyunjin examined the older rapper from the back. he was tilting his head back and forth to each side and tapping his fingers against the mattress every now and then. the younger was obviously confused, not at all knowing where this was going and why the older was telling him something that even chan didn’t know. he knew the two of them very close after all.

“i.. oh, where do i start? to be completely honest i don’t really know what i’m feeling right now. i’ve beaten myself up so much these past days so i thought i could as well take a slap to the face from you, because that’s probably healthier.. and in the best case scenario i could come to my senses again. i guess i’ve been trying to do that for months now, though so it’s not exactly looking bright.” changbin slumped forward and rested his hands in his lap instead, fiddling with his fingers.

on the other hand, hyunjin was more confused than he’d ever been in the older’s presence before. what the hell was going on? whatever it was it sounded kind of serious, which made a small knot form in hyunjin’s stomach. the fact that he hadn’t noticed anything being off earlier was what worried hyunjin the most. the older was good at hiding his feelings, that was something hyunjin had already discovered but he didn’t know it was to this extent. the younger was just about to reach out for the other’s shoulder when changbin turned around, making hyunjin flinch back.

“i’m about to say something that’s probably very wrong. something horrible. i’m really sorry, but please listen just a bit longer.”

hyunjin’s eyes were wide with both worry and something resembling fear. he didn’t know what it was with changbin’s expression but it made his heart beat faster, and not in a good way.

“i..i don’t like felix anymore.”

hyunjin swore he forgot how the breathe for a second. what did that mean? what did it mean to _him_? The words wouldn’t have weighed so heavily if it hadn’t been so obvious that changbin and felix were supposed to be together. that they loved each other. if changbin did in fact mean what he just said.. did that mean that felix was the only one in love? and did he know any more about what was going on than hyunjin did?

changbin saw the shock on hyunjin’s face and scoffed a bit, a smirk threatening to make it’s way to his lips. he didn’t know why he had decided to do this. he knew it wouldn’t get him anywhere. he didn’t even know if he _wanted to get somewhere_. he just knew that it was best if he didn’t and he trusted hyunjin to call him out on his bullshit because he couldn’t stop himself anymore.

“hyunjin. i’m in love with you.” changbin’s voice quivered as he spoke the last word.

hyunjin hadn’t said anything for minutes but the silence that swallowed the two now felt infinitely quieter. quieter and emptier.

it was as if hyunjin’s head had suddenly turned hollow. the only thought that echoed inside his brain was a wish for someone to walk in on them because he didn’t know what to do. and he didn’t want to know, surely there was no answer that didn’t hurt.

but changbin didn’t stop there.

moving both of them closer to the wall, changbin looked hyunjin straight in the eye and the younger suddenly realized the older was about to cry.

no, no, no.

everything about this was so wrong.

it was supposed to be changbin and felix.

hyunjin didn’t even know how to love.

he didn’t love changbin.

but there was no way out.

“if you don’t want this.. please, stop me.”

changbin’s gaze moved towards hyunjin’s lips and the dancer swore he could hear his heart beat through his ears. couldn’t the older hear it too? would he stop if he could?

hyunjin was frozen in place and his head was still filled of silent screams for help. 

seungmin, jeongin, please.

when their lips met, it felt like a sharp stab to the heart. if it hadn’t been for how twisted the circumstances were, hyunjin might have described it as innocent and sweet, but it hurt so bad and the guilt immediately washed over him. he felt as if he was the one cheating. then again, he had no idea how the others’ relationship looked right now. but he could never let felix know this. realizing that, a fuse finally went off in hyunjin and he was no longer frozen. with strong hands on changbin’s shoulders, he pushed him away and spoke with a shaky voice and heaving chest.

“we can’t do this.. _you_ can’t do this, changbin. i don’t know what the hell you’re going through but i know that this isn’t the way out. this is not what’s best for you. i- i-m not what’s best for you.”

“why?”

with a look of disbelief, hyunjin met changbin’s now blank expression and he felt like he would burst into tears any time.

“changbin, you’re not yourself! i don’t know what happened but i refuse to believe you just suddenly changed your mind about felix like this, just look at the way he treats you! he’s just the same. so what.. so what’s with you? does he know anything about this?”

changbin let out a sigh and this time, closed his eyes. he looked more defeated than hyunjin had ever seen him before. 

“he doesn’t, right?”

silence fell again, and as the atmosphere calmed hyunjin’s heart did too.

“thank you, hyunjin.”

the mentioned boy could do nothing but stare sadly at the man in front of him. changbin smiled a tiny bit, but kept his gaze low and didn’t look a bit happier.

“i’m really sorry.”

then he got up on his feet again and left the room, leaving hyunjin behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm actually really happy with this chapter,,,, i hope a lot of you enjoy it as well  
> i'm just afraid of meeting expectations because i have no idea how i'm gonna continue this now haha  
> next update will probably take a while so i appreciate you waiting  
> thanks for reading, please leave any feedback and i'd greatly appreciate it !! <3


	4. stars on his cheeks

hyunjin didn’t leave his room until the dorm door opened and it instantly got ten times louder. the rest of the members were finally home. to his relief, changbin seemed to have decided to stay behind his own room instead of greeting the others too which meant hyunjin wouldn’t have to awkwardly pretend everything was fine so soon.

his thoughts were still running wild and he prayed to whatever god were out there that it didn’t show on his face. how’d he even begin to explain what had just happened? hyunjin really hoped he’d never have to even try.

as he ventured through the dorm, hyunjin also found that the two youngest had fallen asleep, cuddled together on the sofa- presumably after having watched something on the tv together. it made the dancer feel better to see them sleep so calmly but he also wished he’d never left them to go back to his own room. maybe then he would be laying cuddled together with them there now and that whole thing with changbin wouldn’t have happened.

the worst thing was seeing felix look so happy and carefree, without a single clue about what the boy he loved had just done. hyunjin felt sick, excusing himself when minho asked him about his opinion on a move he’d recorded on his phone and made his way to the toilet instead. the boy knew he wouldn’t really throw up, but the small room that he could lock himself in felt comforting and he really needed more time to process everything.

hyunjin wished he’d brought his phone or something with him though, because being locked in there without a distraction meant he actually _had to think about it._

he could hear the muffled voices of chan and another member, but the words didn’t register in his brain- whether it was because the australian was actually speaking english or because hyunjin’s head was _that_ occupied, he didn’t know.

the young boy was sitting on the hard floor, knees dragged up to his chest and fingers anxiously tapping against the tiles, making small tapping noises that felt much louder to hyunjin than they actually were.

_”what the fuck.”_

that was pretty much the only thought hyunjin could properly form.

changbin had just kissed him.

hyunjin felt sick and the guilt steadily built up in his stomach again. he tried his best to just excuse it as one of those small pecks all the members liked to throw around, especially at their youngest- but hyunjin wasn’t stupid, he knew this was something more than that.

replaying the whole scene in his head again, hyunjin found two points especially odd. firstly, the most obvious thing was that changbin was in love with felix, or at least that he was supposed to be. because he’d always been. secondly, why had the older apologized like that? if he knew what he was doing was wrong.. then why?

the last thing that went through his mind before han knocked on the door, telling him to hurry up was that if the thing changbin was going through had anything to do with love- hyunjin really didn’t want to understand it.

 

the boys ended up ordering some food later that night and woojin successfully managed to convince everyone that fried chicken should be on the meny and once again the oldest got his way. hyunjin wondered just how many advantages came with being older. 

as the food arrived some were seated on the couch while others sat cross-legged on the floor, hyunjin being one of them. each member of stray kids was excitedly waiting for their turn to reach out for a chicken leg, or well- every member except for changbin. the small talk died down as chan asked the youngest to go tell the rapper to come into the living room before all that remained were crumbs and bones. mumbling something about how he shouldn’t be ordered around just because he was younger- jeongin got up from his seat next to seungmin and disappeared in the direction of chan and changbin’s room.

if there had been anything other than chicken in front of them woojin would have been nagging at the other members to wait until all the members where seated but hyunjin was pretty sure he was the one who ended up taking the first bite.

“he said he doesn’t want any.” jeongin declared before sitting down on the sofa again.

“i really hope he meant that because i know a few people who would see this as a great opportunity to take an extra piece.” chan looked around to look some of the members in the eyes and the room was filled with nervous laughter.

“i’ll save some for him.” felix smiled.

they all continued their meal and of course you couldn’t have the nine of them in the same room without laughing and teasing, even when they should be eating in peace. it was almost a miracle that hyunjin managed to catch felix sneaking away with a plate of chicken because it seemed to go unnoticed by everyone else.

the dancer felt worried at the idea of felix interacting with changbin without knowing anything the older had done. still, a small smile rested at his lips- he really wished everything could be solved soon.

 

changbin flinched when he heard another knock on the door and swore to god that it better not be another member asking him to come eat that damn chicken because how the fuck could he even begin to think about chicken when he’d just-

“felix.”

he should have understood even before the door opened because felix was the only one who’d knock on his door so gently. fuck.

the younger boy had a sweet smile on his lips that made changbin want to hit his head against the wall until some significant damage was done, but instead he just tried avoiding looking at the other’s face- settling his gaze on the plate of.. chicken instead. 

“i heard you were _too busy_ to come eat with us so i brought some for you.”

“oh.. thanks.”

changbin felt so fucking stupid. he was an idiot, really. how many times would he take advantage of the boy in front of him? how many times would he hurt him before actually thinking shit through? the rapper felt pathetic, answering with a small voice.

“so, how’s it going?”

changbin’s thoughts was speeding a thousand miles an hour, yet he looked like he’d been filmed in slow motion. it took a few seconds to even understand felix was asking about his song writing, and two more to make him react. when he did, he just looked back at his computer screen and his voice was hollow as he spoke again.

“good.”

(that was a total lie- changbin had actually only written one line since he left hyunjin and then gave up. even when he tried to work on some tracks instead they turned out too violent or felt like they were missing way too much and he just couldn’t figure out what.)

felix tilted his head to the side and took a good look at changbin, even from just his profile the younger could tell how tired he was. his back was slumped and his eyes.. it was obvious he had a lot on his mind.

setting the plate down on the table, felix then went around the back of the older’s chair and snaked his arms around him. feeling the warmth of the younger against him, changbin instantly relaxed and it was at that moment everything really caved on him.

what the actual fuck have you done, seo changbin? how did he deserve this embrace? how did he deserve _him_?

deep down changbin was so, so scared of losing felix and in some twisted way he thought he could secure himself by coming to this point, but what had really gotten better?

he had tried so hard, he’d done his best to just repress all these feelings because as chan had told him- nobody could know. whatever it took, changbin had to make sure nobody knew and he’d rather take all the burden upon himself than make it taint his sunshine. little had he known it would fuck him over this bad. why did he drag hyunjin into all of this?

changbin knew it had been a lie when he told hyunjin that he didn’t love felix anymore, part of him just wanted to believe that so it would be easier to carry everything by himself. so it’d be easier to not miss felix’s hand in his, felix’s smile when it was only the two of them, the feeling of running his fingers through felix’s hair and-

and the feeling of being in his arms right now.

changbin could feel a knot growing in his throat and he was thankful that the only sound from felix was the light breath brushing against his cheeks because if he had to keep any small talk going right now, the held back tears would surely come rushing down his cheeks.

he kept clicking away at all the options in the music program in front of him but wasn’t really doing anything, he could see in the faint reflection on the screen that felix’s eyes were closed so he probably didn’t notice. the older felt his heart skip a beat at how peaceful the younger looked and couldn’t believe how he’d even gotten himself this close to a boy so perfect. 

cursing himself over and over again in his head, changbin reached up to pat felix on the head, making sure to remind himself how undeserving he really was.

when the older rapper lowered his hand again felix’s eyes fluttered open and changbin met them for the first time that afternoon. he could feel his entire body tingle because the younger was literally shining, changbin swore the freckles scattered all over his face could as well have been stars.

“hey, remember to rest too, okay?”

changbin softly hummed in response.

they stayed like that for just a bit longer until felix told him he’d get going.

“good luck, changbin-hyung.”

and then he was alone again. the light air and relaxed atmosphere had likely followed felix back outside because now the room felt small and dark again. it must have been like this hyunjin felt earlier, he realized. changbin slid the computer mouse to the side, resting his elbows on the table and covered his face with his hands.

changbin knew he’d regret all of this from the beginning but he’d been to weak to stop himself, too depressed about having to hide all his feelings that nothing felt like it mattered anymore. now he also knew he couldn’t lose felix again like he’d done during the survival show. unable to hold the tears back anymore, changbin let them roll down his cheeks and into his palms.

he promised he’d fix this mess, one way or another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not really happy with this chapter and there might be some mistakes since i pretty much wrote it all in one setting,, hope you enjoyed the changlix fluff though because i sure did :')  
> as always, thank you for reading and please leave any feedback if you'd like <3


	5. "we have your back"

over the last week hyunjin had felt as if with every day that passed a new string was tied around his heart and the knots only kept pulling them tighter and tighter. he hadn’t been able to look changbin in the eye- utterly confused of how he was supposed to feel in the elder’s presence. changbin was one of his best friends but what he’d done really hurt.

hyunjin couldn’t help but wonder if he was overreacting, though.

one day it had been particularly hard for the boy to get out of bed (which doesn’t really say a lot considering seungmin could literally be screaming into his ears at point-blank range and he’d still barely turn in his bed), because when he’d finally opened his eyes he really just wished he could take a break and.. you know, maybe sleep the whole day away?

interacting with felix didn’t get any easier either, although he tried his hardest to not look any different on the outside. hyunjin just couldn’t help but ask himself what he could have done to avoid all of this, guilt close to boiling over and he had no idea what would happen then.

another night when the young dancer had laid in his bed, unable to fall asleep he’d heard the whimper of his 6 month younger friend and as seungmin kept violently scrambling around in his bed- seemingly asleep still- hyunjin couldn’t keep himself from scurrying across the cold floor and waking him from yet another nightmare.

seungmin’s breathing had been unnaturally fast and not deep enough to provide the right amount of oxygen to his brain so hyunjin welcomed the younger into his arms and soon sighed at the weight against his own body, he had really needed a hug. they stayed like that, without saying a word until the younger’s breath matched his own. 

the dancer had to admit that the warmth of another person so close to him like this was a huge comfort, but it also burned down the walls he’d fought so hard to keep up and he couldn’t stop a few tears from falling. the younger had just stroked his hand through his hair, seemingly untying the knots hyunjin previously felt. it was incredibly calming and hyunjin finally relaxed enough to really feel how tired his entire body had been. they both ended up falling asleep peacefully and if anyone (jisung) found them like that the next morning he didn’t say anything.

 

feeling patched together well enough to finally organize his thoughts it was obvious- hyunjin needed help. if seungmin had showed him anything it was that talking to someone really helped so he figured that was the way to go. his first step was of course to look over his alternatives.

changbin, felix, managers and minho were immediately crossed out and collected into a folder inside his head titled _”fuck no”_.

(the first three options should really be just as obvious as the fourth, honestly. you just didn’t tell minho something if you wanted it to be kept a secret.)

the next one would be.. jisung? hyunjin pondered over that one for three seconds before deciding to add it to the previous foulder as well.

so the remaining choices were jeongin (too innocent), seungmin (it wasn’t at all like hyunjin was too fond of the boy to dump his worries on him! he just.. didn’t want to risk his nightmares getting worse?), chan and woojin.

out of the two oldest hyunjin wallowed back and forth for a while before finally settling on woojin. it probably didn’t matter too much who he choose in the end anyway since both of them would probably deed this incident as a very serious matter and therefore refer to the other one to discuss the best way to go from there.

so woojin it was, then.

hyunjin let out a groan as he dug his palms into his eye sockets, he really, really didn’t wanna do this! the action made jisung who was sat next to him jump in surprise and he threw a judging look at his friend before directing his attention back to the tv.

 

swallowing hard and feeling his heart shake his entire body with every beat, hyunjin determinedly knocked on the door to the room which woojin, minho, felix and jeongin shared. realizing knocking when he could literally hear his members scream inside was kind of odd, he pushed down the doorhandle and sneaked in. everyone except for the oldest were thrown on top of each other in jeongin’s bed (hyunjin noted he was the one who he had heard screaming the loudest before he stepped in) and the only one who noticed him entering was woojin. he had been laughing on the side, ignoring minho’s demands of help with whatever he was trying to accomplish. when their eyes met his hyung’s smile disappeared and instead he made a questioning face (perhaps because hyunjin looked as bad as he felt from the nervousness).

the dancer gestured with his hands for woojin to follow him outside and the two escaped the turmoil easily, seemingly without a trace- at least to minho who five seconds later yelled for the older to help again, getting no answer in return.

“what’s up, hyunjin-ah?” it was obvious to woojin that something was up with his dongsaeng and it probably wasn’t just him being observant- anyone would notice how out of character he was acting recently. he let his left hand rest on the younger’s shoulder and to his relief it seemed to somehow snap hyunjin back to reality enough to at least be able to speak his mind properly.

“i, uh.. i need to talk.” woojin’s eyes softened, noting the way the boy in front of him gulped before speaking again. “with you.. please.”

“of course, of course, jinnie.” 

whatever it was that hyunjin had on his mind it was obviously not something he wanted the whole of stray kids to know, judging by how he’d asked woojin out here and that he seldom seemed this nervous. sweeping his eyes across the dorm, the oldest knew this was no place for something like that. with a gentle eye smile he asked his friend if he’d mind going for a walk, adding that they could get some ice cream as well.

“yes, thank you, hyung.”

 

half an hour later the two boys were sat on an isolated bench, both of their face masks dragged down beneath their chins as they licked away at their sweet cones. the air carried a slight chill and it made hyunjin cuddle closer to his hyung. he loved that woojin never minded his clingyness and resting his head on the elder’s shoulder he felt immensely calmer than before. still the fact that he was about to expose changbin’s actions ate away at him.

they were presumably close by a daycare since hyunjin could see kids passing them by, holding hands with their parents. he found it very endearing watching the small ones jump along to the pace of their father or stop just to cling around their mother’s leg. it was hard to believe they’d all been that small once but maybe it wasn’t too far off from the way they acted still.

“it’s about changbin isn’t it?”

hyunjin almost dropped the remaining ice cream in his hands by being snapped out of his thoughts so suddenly. he answered way too quickly, making it quite obvious how flustered he was.

“what?”

woojin took his last bite and continued looking forward at whatever car or bird there was to see. he didn’t seem fazed at all.

letting his eyes focus on the gravel beneath his feet, hyunjin hesitantly answered.

“y-yes. how did you know, hyung?

woojin turned to him with raised eyebrows.

“that’s obvious enough that even minho noticed, i reckon jisung might be the next if this continues.”

“huh..”

sitting in silence for a while, kind of bummed about the fact that he hadn’t been able to keep his facade up well enough, hyunjin eventually gathered enough confidence to open up.

“yeah, well.. we uh..”

_great start hwang hyunjin._ woojin smiled at him softly and snaked an arm around his back, dragging him closer as to say that everything was okay.

“you know the day you, felix and the other hyungs stayed back at the company while i, changbin, seungmin and jeongin went back to the dorms?” the dancer earned a nod in return.

“yeah, i had just gone back to my room after a shower when um.. changbin entered the room. and he.. he said he had something to tell me. when he started ranting i was just..” hyunjin felt his mouth getting dry and was grateful when woojin grabbed his hand in his own reassuringly.

“i was really worried, hyung. he was talking about how he hadn’t been feeling well recently and i kind of feel like it’s.. _bad_. in fact i’m still scared, i just can’t think clearly right now. you’ll understand why soon, i hope.”

the younger paused for a moment, looking up at the light blue sky, hoping changbin wouldn’t hate him for exposing what happened. somehow, deep down hyunjin felt like that was what changbin had wanted in the end, though. but even if he didn’t this was the right choice for himself, hyunjin knew at least that much. with a shaky sigh, he finally said it out loud after all the troubling thoughts keeping him up the last few nights.

“changbin h-he.. ugh.” he swallowed around the knot growing quickly in his throat. looking his hyung in the eyes, and seeing the fondness in them, the words started flowing, though.

“he said he doesn’t like felix anymore, hyung. t-that he likes me now. i mean, can you even imagine? w-what does that mean? they’ve always been together but.. changbin kissed me.” the last part came out very quietly and the next was barely more than a whisper.

“but i don’t like him. not like that.. i’ve never had _anyone_ like that.” 

and with that small droplets made their way down his cheeks but hyunjin quickly wiped them off with the sleeve of his jacket. the fabric kind of scratched against his skin, coloring his cheeks red. he felt so exposed telling the older his secret but woojin didn’t seem to even mind his last point. maybe he wasn’t so weird after all.

woojin had been silent to give the other room to talk up onto this point but now he comforted his friend with soft words, worry evident in his every move.

“that’s okay, jinnie.”

they sat like that for a while, noticing how less people wandered the streets now and how the sky slowly but surely changed in hue. woojin thankfully had a few tissues in his pocket which he reached for and gave hyunjin to dry his runny nose. eventually the dancer had calmed down enough for woojin to ask some more substantial questions.

“changbin.. he really did that, huh?” he only got a small nod in return but it was quite obvious how much what happened had hurt the boy beside him.

“i’m sorry, i’m just really baffled. i never thought he could..” turning to hyunjin, woojin laid both hands on his shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes. “promise me you leave this behind you, yeah? it’s okay to be sad because it’s obvious what happened was really upsetting. but don’t you ever think any of it is your fault, okay? there’s no need to be guilty because you did nothing wrong. if it’s bothering please talk to someone, come to me or anyone else you’re comfortable with. i’m so glad you were able to tell me this as well. you know we always support you, right? we have your back, hyunjin.”

hyunjin smiled softly and nodded, feeling his heart grow at the elder’s words.

“i need to know though.. is it okay if i talk to chan about this? changbin did something he never should have but i’m not completely sure if i’m the best person to discuss that with him. i for sure don’t want to bother or leader more than what is needed but.. i think he has to be the one.”

“that’s okay, hyung. there’s just one thing..”

woojin looked at him with big eyes, obviously listening carefully and worriedly.

“don’t forget to tell him thank you from me.” the dancer smiled adorably, his eyes crinkling at the corners, which were rosy from all the crying. it successfully managed to move his hyung to the core.

“you little-”

and so hyunjin was attacked by woojin’s too tight bear hugs which left them both in a fit of laughs and screams which hyunjin hoped nobody else noticed because frankly that would be kind of embarrassing.

on their way back to the dorms hyunjin’s shoulders felt infinitely lighter and he thanked seungmin for unknowingly teaching him how important talking about your problems really was. thanking woojin wholeheartedly, he also made up his mind to thank their dandy boy when he got home because whether he understood why or not he’d really been a life-saver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a bit later than the previous updates but i don't really have a set shedule because i know i'm bound to miss it haha  
> anyway, you get a bit longer chapter in return !!  
> i'm not really sure how i feel about this fic i really just wanted to write something for skz,,,  
> (i just realized how i keep writing people going to the park for ice cream and serious talks too kill me orz)  
> this fic is pretty much only two characters talking to each other about their feelings over and over and that's how it will continue, hope you're not getting bored hhhh  
> i really hope you're enjoying this so far and if you do i'd appreciate any feedback as it keeps me going !! have a good day/night ya'll <3


	6. still cold

“chan.”

the room was completely dark, spare the blue light from a computer screen and only filled with the sounds of the leader’s mouse sliding across his desk and the slight creak from the floorboards as woojin walked across them. his calling out didn’t seem to make the other react so he took the opportunity to “loosen up” the other.

“hey!”, creeping up behind chan to catch him off-guard by shaking his shoulders, woojin successfully made him jump in his seat.

“what the-” the austrailians eyes widened and his hand let go of the computer mouse, coming up to his chest as if he was preparing to take a punch. “woojin?” the oldest smiled at how his friend had exclaiming in english.

taking his headphones off and leaving them to rest on his desk, chan spun his chair around, looking up at the boy in front of him.

“you never learned to knock before entering someone else’s room, huh?”

“but i _did_.”

chan only looked at him accusingly, obviously not believing woojin’s words. soon enough his eyes softened though, also revealing the fatigue clinging to the features of his face, once again serving as a reminder of how hard-working he really was no matter how much time seemed to pass their hardest days. woojin felt a jab to the heart knowing that he had to work so much harder, because as of now he didn’t know if he was even carrying a fifth of the weight chan constantly had on his own shoulders.

“why’re you here, woojin?”, tilting his head chan reached up to his neck and his face turned into a grimace of discomfort as he massaged the sore muscles there with a strong hand.

“do i need a reason?”

as his groupmate deadpanned, woojin let out a nervous laughter.

“it’s actually.. kind of a lot. i don’t really know how to go about it.”

“oh really?” the other perked up, his voice laced with worry.

“should i..” chan gestured to the computer and with a small smile tinted with worry woojin nodded gently. before the screen could turn black, the leader scurried across his room to light one of the smaller lights next to his bed. it was really late, yet changbin had just announced he’d be going out for a bit so the room was empty except for the two currently seated on chan’s bed. woojin had noted the glazed look on changbin’s face before he closed the door behind him and hoped he’d be back soon without any complications. the rest of the boys were most likely fast asleep in their own beds, or so woojin hoped.

it had been widely agreed that chan and woojin were the parents of the group and it was true that at times like this- when they got together to talk, just the two of them- it sometimes felt like that was the case. the two of them just hoped they hadn’t been as much of a handful for their own parents as it was to keep track of seven “kids” who ranged from 1 to 4 years younger than them.

usually the two oldest found themselves laying down on either of their beds together, half sleep-talking before one of them fell asleep (woojin), leaving the other one awake (chan) to hopefully join them in sleep soon thereafter as a couple minutes passed just listening to the other’s calm breaths. this time it was quite obvious none of them would fall asleep in the middle of a slurred sentence though, because the burden in woojin’s expression really had chan thinking otherwise.

as both boys stared up at the ceiling, woojin resting his head on the other’s arm he slowly but surely found the words to start telling chan what he’d come for.

“so.. i guess i finally found out what happened between hyunjin and changbin.”

chan hummed and turned his head so he was looking down at woojin, relieved they wouldn’t have to ponder over what was going on anymore but also nervous to finally hear it. a lot of possibilities had gone through his head the last week, he just hoped it wasn’t anything too serious.

“something.. something’s wrong with changbin.”

“how so?” chan couldn’t see woojin’s hair from this angle for all the fluffy hair in the way- he could imagine it, though.

“hyunjin told me about the day they arrived at the dorms before us, you remember, right?”

“of course.” chan’s voice was deep and close, sending a couple chills down woojin’s back.

“changbin, he made advances on him.. it ended with him kissing hyunjin.”

“kissing?”, meeting each other’s eyes woojin answered the questioning on chan’s face.

“it was a _kiss,_ kiss, chan. not one of those the kids all like to throw around. he didn’t want it, you’ve seen him. that’s not right.”

“i-i know.. but changbin did? are you sure-”

“yes, i’m sure, chan. it was hard to imagine when hyunjin told me too and i know it might be hard for someone who hasn’t been there to understand but-” woojin sighed, this wasn’t about him and he wasn’t about to get heated for no reason. “jinnie told me something about how changbin didn’t like felix anymore, too.”

seconds of silence followed, leaving both boys trapped in their own thoughts. woojin wondered what chan’s response would be because he honestly had no idea how to solve this by himself.

“hey.”, chan took woojin’s hand in his, squeezing it tight.

“i’m sorry, of course i believe what he told you, woojin.. and it’s true that i might not fully understand but point is if you don’t want it, it’s wrong- i know that much.” the leader let out a deep sigh. “and i’d make you forget _that_ if i could.”

woojin squeezed chan’s hand back, knowing how lucky he was to have his leader by his side.

“i know you would, chan.”

 

_fuck._

changbin dragged his feet along the asphalt, the knots on his sneakers had come undone somewhere between the dorms and wherever he found himself right now. he kicked at an empty soda bottle laying around, hoping it’d somehow serve as a butterfly effect that ended with him being wiped off the surface of the earth before he could return back home. nothing had really happened since his fuck up with hyunjin, yet he felt like punching something (himself) every three seconds that passed- screaming at the top of his lungs would probably fulfill the purpose of blowing off steam as well. all of that seemed way to stupid though, so instead he found himself outside in the cold with a hoodie which didn’t really protect him from the chilly wind at all, hands deep in his pockets. (because what are gloves?) the rapper didn’t know if half freezing to death outside would somehow make anything better but he figured he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep in a while either way so he might as well make himself suffer a bit longer.

making his way down the streets, he passed several people, obviously as stuck in their own heads as changbin himself was. you could see it in the way they moved, quickly but uncertain of in which direction they were moving, head hanging low- shit, that’s how he looked? pathetic. 

changbins legs were stinging from the cold biting at it but whatever, right? as soon as he walked inside he’d be fine again. well.. not _fine_ but warm.

the boy let out a shaky sigh, a white cloud forming in front of his face, leaving him stuck in his tracks watching it for a few seconds. then he sat down next to a waterspout, wishing it had actually been raining so the sounds of the drops making their way down the pipe could at least try calming him down. honestly speaking he knew they wouldn’t have been able to, though.

changbin was lucky. he had everything, yet it seemed like his brain thought it was a good idea to take all of that and smash it to pieces with the closest “weapon” he could find. the rapper didn’t know how bad he’d hurt hyunjin, but that wasn’t the point- the point was he’d done something wrong and stupid because he was _weak_. a weakling who couldn’t protect felix. felix who was worth so much more than a mountain of gold (the sun could color him gold anyway). felix who’d given him so much more than he deserved and who had helped him to learn. felix who he was satisfied just looking at from a distance (at least that’s what he’d told himself to cope all this time) and felix who-

no fucking way. _no fucking way_ was he going to start weeping in the middle of the streets while his fellow night wanderers passed him by, throwing him icy looks.

but he did, and for some reason he couldn’t stop tonight.

 

as changbin stepped inside he finally admitted to himself that he missed the warmth of his bed and gave himself the privilege of worrying if his fingers would ever warm up again. he knew running them through a certain boy’s hair would definitely do the job. _shut up changbin, you know you can’t do that now._ taking his phone out of his pocket he noticed the clock was already past four. today would be a great day.

changbin saved no time finishing his business in the restroom, half running back to his room but stopping to a halt when he saw two shapes on chan’s bed through the small gap of the door which he’d pushed open.

stepping inside, he could make out the faces of his roomate and.. woojin? _way to go, chan-hyung._ before the cute scene in front of him could make changbin hate himself any more he turned the small switch on chan’s lamp and finally crawled into his lonely bed, rolling himself up in the thick blanket and let the dark swallow him up.

it was still too cold (and lonely).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops i guess my hand slipped and i gotta add woochan to the tags now haha ;;;;;;;  
> i really just went with the flow here and ended up adding stuff to woojin's past (that i won't get into) i'm sorry :'(  
> it's also been a while since i updated, honestly speaking feedback is what motivates me and i haven't been getting as much on this one hhh  
> we'll see how much longer this gets but thank you for staying thus far !!  
> as always i'd love to hear your thoughts and i wish you all a nice weekend (and any other day of course depending on when you're reading <3)


	7. confrontation

changbin could hear the commotion from the kitchen presumably filled up by the rest of the members and audibly protested as he turned in bed. he’d barely gotten any sleep and was way too tired for human interaction (because he didn’t know if he’d have the energy to keep a straight face). eventually he opened his eyes though and looked over at chan’s bed which was way too tidy to have been made by the leader- woojin’s doing, the rapper assumed. then he really hadn’t dreamed that thing from yesterday.. today, he corrected himself. reminded of how he’d been roaming the cold streets changbin lifted his hand, opening and closing it. it really seemed fine, huh. maybe he’d just been exaggerating the low temperature, or more was needed to sustain any real damage.

with a sigh, changbin moved the duvet off of himself and let his feet meet the ground. he could smell something familiar coming from the kitchen and though his stomach growled and felt really empty he didn’t know if he liked the idea of eating. it wasn’t just his stomach that was empty really, the boy didn’t feel anything except for something heavy in his gut- sadness he reckoned. guess he got some anger out tonight, after all. still, he wasn’t relieved- he was honestly better at managing anger.

“hyung” jisung had poked his head into the room, catching changbin off guard as he had been rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “breakfast’s ready.”

the older rapper hummed, telling the other he was coming and then watched the squirrel-like boy disappear back out again. it was almost scary how quickly he felt his connection to the members turn more and more fragile. maybe it was just in his head, but it felt like everything was finally getting to him. perhaps it was just his paranoia telling him everyone was staring at him, that they knew what he’d done, though. _how week he was._

he just closed his eyes, letting his thoughts eat away at him for a minute before figuring he shouldn’t keep the others waiting. the way he had to do a double take when his legs almost gave way beneath him didn’t really make him feel any more hopeful about the day. regaining his balance, he threw on a black t-shirt from one of his drawers and slowly but surely made his way into the living room.

 

hyunjin hated how the room fell silent for a second when changbin entered. the rapper’s eye bags were once again prominent and hyunjin couldn’t help but feel something twist in his gut. the indifferent expression which had become much more common lately covered his face and the dancer swore the other boy was just about to meet his eyes so he directed his attention to jeongin instead. but why? couldn’t he even bare to look the other in the eye anymore? that’s ridiculous.. he had to get a grip.

“good morning, changbin.” hyunjin noticed the slight worry in chan’s eyes as he spoke but changbin had obviously not, when the dancer glanced at him he was scratching his neck, eyes closed.

“morning, hyung.” suddenly that apathetic look changed to something more natural and the rapper turned to minho, all of a sudden the usual banter was on again. it was almost as if nothing had been wrong in the first place. everything might have looked normal, yet.. something was still off about the older.

unable to keep back a yawn, hyunjin directed his attention elsewhere. he had to admit stray kids had some decent cooks but food usually tasted good when someone else made it for you, he figured. oh, the perks of being the official deep sleeper of the group. hyunjin just didn’t understand morning people.

stuffing his mouth full, the boy looked up again and felix immediately caught his eyes. the australian boy really was cute. the way he smiled obliviously and how his freckles were scattered over his cheeks immediately made something tug at the corner hyunjin’s lips as well. he couldn’t help but wonder what the use of makeup was when it covered the cutest part of the other’s face. hyunjin’s heart sunk and he unconsciously pouted. why had the world turned in a way to hurt him? it just wasn’t right. felix was supposed to be all smiles and innocent laughs. yeah, that was it. hyunjin knew it might not stay the same if this continued for much longer, though. he prayed that it wouldn’t.

 

changbin had definitely been right when he predicted the day to outright suck, because it 100% did. everyone had gone to bed and the rapper was forced to stay in the dorm which felt suffocating because they had schedules in the early morning. all he wanted was to escape out of there because he swore that one of these days the walls would cave in on him and crush him to pieces.

unexpectedly, chan was not seated in front of his computer either, but caught changbin’s eyes as soon as he stepped into the room. the way he was nervously tapping his fingers on his thigh and his stern yet curious eyes exposed his intention for some sort of confrontation. _finally the devil’s come to get me, huh._ the boy couldn’t stop a bitter smile from playing at his lips. 

“what’s up, hyung? out of fantasy for new songs, eh?”

the rapper broke their eye contact, lazily dragging his feet across the floor to his bed. if only chan could see how fucking tired he was. now that he had no choice but to stay there he wanted to do nothing else but sleep (and cuddle with felix- _shut up, shut up_ )- sleep and wake up to a better day. if there ever was one.

“changbin.. we need to talk.”

the addressed boy let out a heavy sigh obviously meant for the other to hear and stretched his arms far above his head. trying his hardest to push his frustration to the side, he put on an innocent face and spoke as if he had no idea what this was all about.

“hey, look can we take this some other day i-”

“no, changbin.” 

changbin’s eyes widened in surprise at being interrupted but he soon regained his composure, only this time he didn’t even try to disguise the apathy covering his features. looking at chan once more he knew he wasn’t going to just get out of whatever was coming. the leader looked just as tired as changbin felt and the rapper somewhat softened at that, maybe he should just comply quickly so the older could get some well needed sleep too? still, the poison in his mind wasn’t dissipating and he could feel the anger from before start to rush through his veins again.

“okay, okay.. what is it?” changbin itched the back of his neck and then let his gaze fall down to his hands, pressing them into fists as if that would somehow take all his feelings away.

now it was chan’s time to sigh. his all black outfit really made his pale skin stand out and he too started fidgeting with his hands in his lap. when he spoke there was no hesitation to be found though, his words were clear and loud in changbin’s ears.

“i heard about what happened with hyunjin.. or maybe i should say _what you did_ to hyunjin?”

oh. so that was it. well, changbin couldn’t really have imagined anything else. the boy leaned back on his bed, gaze still low and face unreadable. guess that meant hyunjin told chan. changbin felt empty thinking about that. he wasn’t mad, he wasn’t disappointed or sad.. he didn’t know if he was happy for the younger boy either. he should be. he really was just empty, though.

when changbin didn’t answer chan cleared his throat, trying to catch the other’s attention.

“don’t you want to explain yourself?”

changbin shrugged, letting himself completely lean back until he lay across his bed, legs hanging outside the matress.

“there’s nothing to explain. it’s true.”

chan felt a few hairs stand at the back of his neck. he really hadn’t been expecting the other to be this hard to reach or even get a reaction out of. it sparked some contradicting emotions in him.

“changbin, you know you hurt him, right? it’s been obvious to all of us and i’m sorry but i really can’t read your mind. i want to know what’s going on with you. you need to tell me.”

“what do you mean ‘what’s going on with me’?” a scowl found it’s place on changbin’s face but even if chan couldn’t see it from his angle he no doubt heard the bite in the younger’s words.

“well, going around hurting people like that hasn’t really been part of your character before. the you i know would at least have tried to make up with him by now. of course i’d start to wonder what changed that.” chan couldn’t help the slight coldness of his words but obviously didn’t mean for it to taunt changbin as bad as it did.

“ _so, you’re wondering what’s wrong with me?_ ” the rapper found himself standing tall again, now looking the other head on and chan gulped, seeing the boy in a new light. he looked.. broken.

“well, fuck it then i guess i have no choice but to tell you straight.” changbin’s voice was rough but the sharp edge threatened to cut off his sentence to make way for something.. more like a plead.

“it’s because i’m _weak. a weak piece of shit._ yeah. all i had to do was keep it up, not show anyone. that’s what you both told me. it was my own damn choice to go through with it. _don’t look at him a second too long. don’t smile too wide. d-don’t touch. don’t show any signs._ i just had to to that, keep track of myself. you know i couldn’t make myself tell felix to quiet down or anything. have you seen him, hyung? have you _really?_ ”

chan just stared, brows furrowed and mouth opening, only to close a second later.

“i can’t take that away from him. i _can’t_. and i won’t let anyone else do that either. i _wanted_ to do it by myself. i would have if i wasn’t a fucking weakling just looking for people to drag down with me.” chan was stunned mute for a minute as he watched the other catch his breath.

“what the _fuck_ have i done chan?” his voice broke off at the end. god, he sounded so pathetic.

“i.. shit man. i really shouldn’t have let you carry all that pressure by yourself, yeah? i mean.. it’s not as if any of us can really do anything about the situation” a sad, small smile made it’s way to chan’s lips “but i can at least be by your side.” his heart beat hard in his chest for the hurt boy.

changbin cursed the way his throat threatened to close up.

“no, hyung. i-i’m the one who fucked up. i’m not worth your pity.”

“hey, don’t say that.. we’ll figure this out together okay? i know-”

“no, you don’t!”

shit, could his voice sound any more like he was about to break down crying at any second? he tried to sharpen his words, but it really wasn’t working. chan’s face made something inside him hurt.

“you don’t. i can’t believe i just.. tell me if there’s anyone who could hate me more than i hate myself right now.”

changbin felt the rush that had been filling him going away, feeling the sadness from that morning doubling instead. he lowered his head to stare at the floor instead because the way chan’s eyes looked like they could overflow with tears any moment didn’t really help.

“don’t look at me like that.”

still sitting in his chair, chan tilted his head and opened his arms- inviting the other for a hug.

“don’t.”

when changbin didn’t move, feet glued in the same spot, chan stepped forward instead- wrapping changbin in his arms. the boy felt smaller than ever against his own body and chan desperately hoped he’d be able to stick all of his broken pieces together properly again. he felt a shaky breath leave the rapper’s lungs.

“i thought i would be able to do it chan.. i really- i did.” changbin’s voice cracked and unpleasantly filled the room. before chan knew it the boy was sobbing, nose buried in his shoulder as he finally raised his arms to hug the leader back. the elder felt a stab to his heart knowing the situation wouldn’t be as easy to solve as he’d hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly haven't really had a lot of confidence with this fic as i feel like it doesn't really bring anything new to the table and is kind of all over the place,,,  
> i do kind of like this chapter though! i wasn't really planning to make this so angsty on changbin's part but i guess that's just how it turned out, hope you don't mind  
> this chapter became a bit longer than the others as well, maybe that makes it up to those who has been waiting, haha  
> i ended up editing the tags again hh  
> anyway i really hope you enjoyed this one and that you look forward to more !!  
> thank you so much for 500 hits and don't forget to give some feedback if you're feeling up to it <3


	8. perhaps there's a thing called pleasant burn

felix opened his eyes to darkness. the room was quiet, spare for the calm breathing that sounded from the rest of the boys in their beds. guess that meant he could sleep some more too. he shut his eyes closed again and hugged his blanket tight, hoping sleep would soon find him again. but it didn’t. no matter how long he tossed and turned, it wasn’t coming. he wasn’t sure how much time had passed when he figured he might as well get a glass of water before trying again. _damn it, why did it have to be the night he needed sleep the most?_

carefully sneaking out of the room on his tippy toes, felix made his way to the kitchen without waking anyone up and found an unopened water bottle in the fridge. despite not being able to sleep, he could barely keep his eyes open and he felt his head protesting, a throbbing pain ever present. he let out a yawn as he itched a spot on his stomach, feeling the chill from the water as it went down his throat. when he felt satisfied he opened the fridge to put the bottle back.

just before he could open the door to his room again felix paused. did he just hear something? he figured it might just have been his imagination, but his gut was telling him the complete opposite. as he ventured a bit through their dorm, lighting his path with his phone he noticed warm light escaping through the small gap of changbin’s and chan’s room. what the hell were they doing up at this hour? and why did the sound remind him more and more of crying the closer he got? with a beating heart the freckled boy quietly got closer. he didn’t know why he was so nervous. but when he caught a glimpse of the two boys inside it hit him like a truck that he really hadn’t been meant to see this.

changbin was pressed close to his hyung and although felix couldn’t see his face, burden was evident on chan’s slumped shoulders. surprisingly the whimpering was coming from changbin. the rapper rarely cried, felix could count all the occurrences he’d witnessed on his right hand. he felt his mouth go dry even though he just drank, thinking about how that same sobbing had cut his ears at the day of his elimination. he hated it. felix wanted to rush inside, lend changbin his shoulder to cry on and whisper him sweet words until he wasn’t crying anymore. he wanted to shout out for the other, tell him everything was okay. but then again- he wasn’t supposed to be there. to see this. besides, chan was already comforting the other and felix didn’t doubt how good he was at it either. he just had to accept this wasn’t his place, no matter how much he wanted it to be.

with tears threatening to spill over and a heart that now beat even harder, felix turned around. he wanted to know what it was that had hurt his beloved so much. he wanted to do everything in his power to make it better. he’d treat his wounds, hug him tight or punch a guy if that was what it took. his bed hardly gave him any solace, his heart and worries so heavy he was convinced there would be an indent in his mattress when he got up later.

 

unsurprisingly, felix definitely hadn’t got enough rest when he woke up just a few hours later. everyone was in a rush and he felt like he was walking through fog because even when he managed to open his eyes, whatever he was looking at seemed to show itself as another blurred image. some way or another all of them still got out of the door in time, just like they against all odds- always did.

when felix finally felt awake enough to remember what he saw that night everyone else seemed to have gone to sleep again, well- everyone except changbin. felix had made up his mind to at least ask his hyung about it, because he didn’t know how long he could go without knowing, it made him restless. so having quickly settled down in the seat next to the rapper who was sat by the window in the big van he figured he might be able to.

changbin was seemingly stuck in his own head which didn’t really ease felix’s worries, he wanted the other to just go to sleep like everyone else, catch up if only on a few minutes of well needed rest. it took a while of mustering up courage to break the silence, telling himself to do it ‘now’ but ending up with several failed countdowns. why did he always have to be so nervous? he wished he had the ability to speak as well as his leader did. eventually he let himself take the step, telling himself he didn’t have to worry so much, the noise from the vehicle would carry away his words from the others if he leaned in and lowered his voice, anyway.

“changbin-hyung?”

the addressed boy jumped a bit, whipping his head around with wide eyes.

“w-what?”

no matter how long felix had thought through his next choices of sentences his head drew a blank (as it always seemed to do when he least wanted it to) and he said the first thing that came to mind.

“are you.. are you okay?”

honestly changbin had been on alert ever since getting into the van, too aware of the boy next to him. he hated it, because he felt so powerless. he couldn’t speak because he wanted to tell the other so much so much. wanted to hold him so bad. and he couldn’t. so he just settled on answering with small words like he always did when the cameras were off, they were easy to hide behind. but why did he have to hide in the first place? all this time had just rendered the rapper more and more confused. first it was simple, “you’re an idol- you can’t date. especially not.. a boy”. then it turned into “be careful when filming” and “don’t act different with him”. changbin couldn’t tell which words he’d been told by others and which came from his own brain. was it so wrong? to be happy, the two of them together? he didn’t know. and he definitely didn’t think he’d get a clear answer if the boy who kept stirring his thoughts around like leaves in the wind didn’t keep his distance. correction seo changbin: it’s _you_ who have to keep away.

it took a while for changbin to even process the question and clear worry in felix’s eyes. was he.. okay? what the hell had brought this out of nowhere?

“of course i’m okay, lix.”

the other boy didn’t look convinced.

“b-but hyung, just earlier tonight you-”

felix stopped himself there, knowing he’d probably said too much already to save himself.

“tonight?”

the rapper furrowed his eyebrows but after a while he got it. seeing the panic take form in changbin’s eyes, felix grabbed his hand and squeezed it, stumbling over his words.

“look, i-i’m sorry i didn’t mean to eavesdrop! i just happened to wake up and- really, i was just about to go back to bed but i heard- i heard you crying, hyung.” he swallowed with a gulp.

“i didn’t mean to see something i shouldn’t have but it made me really worried. in fact, now, it might just be me imagining things but i’ve been worried for a while and i need you to know that i’m always here. i understand you might not always need me but i promise i will do whatever you need me to, whenever you do. please.. let me help you, changbin.”

with gaze low, observing how perfectly their hands fit together, changbin just listened and felt something he hadn’t in a while. it was just like felix to see through him like this. not as quickly as chan because of his innocence but so accurate because he.. felix loved him. and he had all this time. changbin bit his lip and grimaced. how could he do so much wrong yet still have felix by his side? more importantly, why hadn’t he already learned from his mistakes?

chan and he had agreed he should apologize to hyunjin first, because that was the least the dancer deserved by now. changbin hadn’t expected felix to find anything out, though and definitely hadn’t thought enough about what to say. he knew that he would always have the option of letting it all go, that wouldn’t take much thinking at all. but he couldn’t deny the fact that he was scared. so scared of saying the words that proved his faults out loud. scared of admitting how weak he was in front of the person he wanted to protect the most.

changbin kept quiet but finally took a deep breath and relaxed, squeezing felix’s hand back. he missed this, way too much. it still felt like his skin was burning at every contact they made but somewhere deep down he knew it was just his own brain playing tricks on him. was it okay to allow himself to keep holding on?

“look, felix. i.. there’s something i need to do. but if you only wait for me a little longer i promise i’ll tell you anything you want to know. i’m sorry i’ve made you worry about me all this time.”

_i love you._ he stopped himself, but let a gentle smile rest on his lips. felix realized it had been a while since he last saw that smile. feeling somewhat assured, the concern that didn’t fit felix’s face at all was replaced by its natural soft expression.

 

changbin sighed but couldn’t do anything to stop his racing heart when he a few minutes later found himself propped against the window, with felix leaning against him. the younger was fast asleep, long lashes painting shadows on his starry cheeks and with a hand still faintly burning in changbin’s own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly don't think this story's description tells you a lot about what you're up for because this is sooo all over the place ^^;;  
> anyway, i'm sorry for not updating for a while, i've just not had any motivation and i've also been busy with other stuff !!  
> if anyone is still reading i hope you like this kind of soft changlix content ??? lol  
> can't say for sure when i'll update again but i'm kind of missing hyunmin so... we'll see how it turns out i guess !!!!


	9. -

sorry to disappoint with this update, i don't think i'll ever update this fic again since i've been straying (haha) from this fandom and kpop in general for a while. i'm also not sure how i feel about writing these kind of stories anymore but this is probably not the best place to discuss that lol. so yeah just a heads up, hope ya'll have been doing alright <3


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